


love me anyway

by theholyjuggernaut



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Coda, Crying, Daniel Buckley - Freeform, Episode: s04e04 9-1-1 What's Your Grievance?, Gen, Heartbreak, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt Maddie Buckley, If I see you Buckley Parents it's ON SIGHT, Loneliness, Minor Character Death, Neglect, We must protect the Buckley siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 04:14:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29307852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theholyjuggernaut/pseuds/theholyjuggernaut
Summary: Evan opens his mouth to speak, eyes brimming with a raw sort of anguish, and Maddie already knows what he’s going to ask.“They didn’t want me?”-Maddie tells Buck about Daniel.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 6
Kudos: 184





	love me anyway

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, that episode broke me. Thus I wrote something that broke me even more.

Maddie tells him about Daniel. 

The detail of her memory is eerily specific; precise. She’s been practicing her whole life for this one devastating moment, after decades of dusting off the truth so her mind remained uncluttered, devoid of dreamt-up falsities that made the reality softer, kinder, more forgiving. It was woven into her protective sisterly instincts: Maddie refused to forget, for Evan’s sake. 

Some days, Maddie wanted to let herself cushion her own descent. She wanted an escape from the past that haunted her parents. An escape from the brother she was never allowed to grieve. Daniel had been stifled from this life; frozen in time in a child-sized casket; a bud surrounded by dirt yet unable to bloom. And with him went her parents. They had never been the same; so immersed in their pain they refused to acknowledge Maddie’s own. 

Why couldn’t they see? Not all was lost; they still had two children left. Two human beings living under the same roof: living, breathing children.  _ Their _ children. But as the years went by, Mr. and Mrs. Buckley only became more blind. The cataracts of their grief kept them cornered and isolated; stationed the same town as their own flesh blood, yet worlds away. Where money equaled affection, and even then, it was limited. Their love for Maddie was a living ghost of before, but to her little brother, their parents’ love was a tragic unknown. At least she had gotten a taste. 

It’s time for Maddie to backtrack; she knows the most important details of this story are the most painful. So she takes a deep breath. And then another. With each exhale comes another wave of tears, tears she could chock up to the hormones, the baby, but it’s achingly clear to both of the Buckley siblings that her sadness is an old wound that never healed right. Somehow, Maddie forms words around the swell of pain, and continues. 

She describes how desperate Mom and Dad had been to save Daniel; madly desperate for a suitable donor. Desperate enough to conceive again. When it reached that point, Maddie remembers knowing deep down that her parents would never be the same again, regardless if Daniel survived or not. He didn’t. And young Evan remained a shadow of his dead brother; a living reminder of their parents’ dead son. 

Evan listens patiently, quietly, the mask upon his face thin and breakable. The realization comes slowly, then breaches the surface–an avalanche of sadness and horror snagging on the edges of his face. Maddie hates to see it but knows she needs to. She can’t leave him alone. Evan opens his mouth to speak, eyes brimming with a raw sort of anguish, and Maddie already knows what he’s going to ask. She wants to interrupt him before the awful notion meets the air, before his words take form, solidifying the new waves of heartbreak sloshing between them. But the deep-seated tears in Evan’s eyes have Maddie paralyzed, clutching her stomach as if to brace herself against her brother’s pain. 

“They didn’t want me?” he asks; he says. For a moment, he looks surprised. But the surprise quickly morphs into an acidic resignation. It makes sense to Evan; the dots of his childhood are connecting to this last missing piece; the dead brother, and the unwanted, failure of a son. 

His lip quivers. Maddie reaches forward to touch him; he flinches away. Then a rage fills his soul, spilling out from every crevice within him. “You know, it makes sense! It does. Mom and Dad being so unavailable that you had to give me baths and teach me how to ride a bike.”

Maddie has to stop him before he plummets. “Evan, listen to me–”

But Evan has done his share of listening tonight. He continues on, voice rising with each breath. 

“I just thought they were playing favorites, Mads, I did. Taking the bus to school while you got to ride with them in the car. All the missed birthdays and the weird isolation and the loneliness.” He flings an arm out and stands abruptly. “I tried so hard to make them see me. It’s like they said tonight: they know how I was. Sure, I acted out sometimes and hung out with the wrong crowd. But I was also a good student and kept my grades up. Either way, good or bad, I was always a disappointment to them.”

The air in the room is thick as lead. The truth has come out, and it has just begun to sink in. Maddie aches for her brother. Not Daniel, but the one trembling before her; the son of their parents; the son who feels invisible and unwanted and unloved. Every part of Evan’s body is vibrating anxiously as he shuffles on the carpet of the apartment, not meeting Maddie’s eyes. He’s retreating into himself, choking on the awful reality Maddie has brought upon them. She can’t take it back no matter how much she wants to now. 

Evan stops pacing for a moment, wringing his hands together. “I thought if I tried my best, worked hard enough, then  _ maybe _ they’d be proud of me. Turns out, they just–” Buck wavers, his voice cracking against a wall of heartache and sorrow. “They just don’t love me.” 

Maddie stands, more tears dripping down her cheeks. Buck’s face mirrors her own as he finally meets her eyes, crumpling under the weight of everything. He lets out a deep sigh that quickly shifts into a muddle of thick, heavy sobs. 

“They’re never gonna love me, Maddie.”

Buck closes his eyes and lets her hold him.


End file.
